Translating jargon into plain English

As linguists know, language is, by its nature, constantly evolving. Language is also supposed to be communicative and cohesive. However, we all know that corporate lingo is an entity unto itself and that quite often, this particular lexicon does little to provide clarity, direction, or, quite frankly, sense. That is why I am providing my readers with this condensed translation guide, organized by corporate context:

Group Meetings:

There’s a lot on my plate. I don’t want to do that.

I don’t have the appropriate bandwidth. I don’t want to do that, with the word “bandwidth” tossed in.

Let me piggyback off that. I don’t have any new ideas, so I’m just going to repeat what you said.

Let’s circle back. Please stop talking. 

Can we table this discussion? No, really, stop talking.

Put a pin in this. OMG, shut up!

Let me get back to you on that. I’m going to forget what you asked me as soon as we leave this meeting.

Interviews:

So, tell me about yourself. I didn’t bother to read your resume, so can you give me the highlight reel?

We really need someone who is a self-starter. You will be given little direction from management. You’ll have to figure it out on your own.

Can you tell me about a time that you ________? I don’t care, but I need to fill some time here.

We have a fast-paced culture here, but we value work-life balance. 80 hours per week, minimum. Your personal life is an inconvenience for the company. You have children? That’s not very strategic. 

Sales Meetings:

I’m going to have to run it up the flagpole. I’m not going to do anything. I just don’t want to talk to you anymore. 

What keeps you up at night? I’m not very good at this, and I read that this is a good question to ask.

What is your greatest challenge? Yeah, I’m really bad at this!

Our new solution can help you gain traction and expand share of wallet among your existing customer base. I don’t understand what our products and solutions do. 

What can I do to get you to sign the contract today? I have got to close this deal to meet my quota for the month.

One-on-One Meetings with Your Boss

So, how’s it going? What have you been doing, because I have no idea.

I’d like to get your input on this issue. Just tell me what you want me to do here. 

Find some time and put something on my calendar so we can discuss that. I don’t want to talk about this now. 

I just wanted to touch base and sync up with you on this. You’ve given minimal assistance on this matter and you need to step it up. 

Do you think you can course correct? You really messed up here.

I hope your day is filled with clear and straightforward language!