I Apologized to the Boss Who Fired Me

Last week, one of my readers reached out to me inquiring about whether or not she should apologize to the boss who fired her over two decades ago. After providing my advice, I received the following update from her.

Hi Deb:

Thank you so much for your prompt and level-headed response to my question about whether or not it was appropriate to apologize to the boss who fired me 20+ years ago. After receiving your affirmation, I went ahead and reached out to her via email. Here’s what I said:

I hope you are doing well. I have thought of you throughout the years and have always felt that I owe you an apology. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I created a situation on your team that forced you to have to terminate me. During the intervening years, I've been in that position, and I now know how crappy that is. I started working for you right after I got married. I realized pretty quickly that getting married was a bad decision, and I was absolutely miserable. However, I did not admit this to myself at the time, and I blamed my disillusionment on external factors such as my job, the commute, etc. None of that was your problem; it was my problem, and it was unfair of me to make it your problem. I have never been so disengaged in my work as I was back then! So I'm sorry for putting you in an uncomfortable spot, and more importantly, I'm sorry for being a crap employee and for making your job harder.

And no, this isn't some kind of 12-step "make amends"! It's just the wisdom of experience and the need I have to clear the air and explain my bad behavior and poor performance.

I was so nervous after I hit send. What if she didn’t remember me? What if I made her angry? What if, what if, what if????? To my surprise, she responded almost immediately:

This is truly a blast from the past, and I’m so happy to hear from you! There was no need at all for you to think you owe me an apology—I know that all I recall is how much I liked you and enjoyed working with you. I felt bad that we couldn’t work things out. I never, ever held anything against you or thought that you were a sub-standard performer. You just needed to find your way and work things out, and despite many twists and turns in your life, it sounds like you have done just that.

Her response goes on with some updates on her family and on former coworkers. She asked me if we could meet for lunch in mid-September, and of course, I said yes! I feel so much better. I would encourage anyone struggling with this kind of awkwardness and regret to just go for it and apologize. I will let you know how our lunch goes!

Thank you so very much,

Jen

Dear Jen:

What a wonderful follow-up from you AND your former manager! I am delighted to know that this all worked out for the best. It sounds like this manager has had a lasting impact on you, and I’m so glad that you told her. I am sure that you made her day.

All my best,

Deb