Ask Deb: Should I apologize to my former boss?
Hi Deb:
Almost 20 years ago, I was terminated from my job for performance issues. And I absolutely should have been. My manager had coached me for the better part of a year, and I still did not improve. She put me on a 90-day performance improvement plan. I did nothing on the plan. I did not improve. Finally, she had no other choice but to terminate my employment.
There were many reasons unrelated to work for my poor performance. I felt trapped in an unhappy marriage, and I now realize that I was having a major depressive episode. I did not care about work at all. I quickly found a new job making more money than before. The increase in salary allowed me to retain an attorney and file for divorce. During this time, I also sought treatment for my depression. My life, both personal and professional, improved dramatically.
The thing is, had I not been fired, I don’t know how this would have played out. I’ve come to look at this as a catalyzing event in my life. It’s like it was the kick that I needed in order to make some serious life changes. It was no fun in the moment, but after that, my life changed in so many positive ways.
I had no idea about the stress I had put on my boss, how much of her time I took up, and the truly awkward position in which I put her. She really didn’t want to fire me; I gave her no choice. In the intervening years, I’ve had to manage people’s performance issues, and I now know what it’s like to be on the other side of that desk. I feel like I owe my former manager an apology, an explanation, and an expression of gratitude for what she ultimately did for me. I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. Would I be out of line if I reached out to her now and told her the full story?
Thanks,
Jen
Dear Jen:
I can see why you did not disclose the details of your personal life to your manager at the time. Everything must have felt overwhelming. I want to applaud you for taking the initiative to change your life, and for looking back at past mistakes and taking accountability. Many people lack such capacity for self-reflection.
It sounds to me like your manager was not only a good manager, but she was also a good human being. She set you up for success multiple times. She worked with you, coached you, and probably wanted you to improve your performance and come off that PIP. I see no harm at all in reconnecting with her and giving her as many or as few details about what was going on back then as you like. My sense is that she will be receptive and appreciative. It is quite unusual that 20 years later someone apologizes for past mistakes, let alone owns up to them. The fact that you want to do so speaks volumes about your character. Please contact her, and let me know how it goes. I suspect she will be happy to hear from you, and that you are doing so much better now.
All my best,
Deb