Gaslighting in the Workplace
The workplace—in whatever form that takes—is a place of social interaction, a microcosm in which human behavior can be observed. That’s precisely why “My boss doesn’t like me” is, in fact, a legitimate complaint that workers have. Decisions are often made based on emotions instead of facts. Yet, we are told to believe that the workplace is some sort of objective meritocracy. Nothing can be further from the truth. Everyone has biases, conscious and unconscious, preconceived notions, and prejudicial beliefs. They don’t just leave them at home (or in the other room) when they enter the workplace.
Some people are toxic; they become abusive managers, scheming co-workers, and vicious competitors. They manipulate their victims into believing that they are to blame for something or that they are just being “too sensitive.” One of their favorite tools is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a covert form of mental abuse. It involves the abuser creating a false narrative presented to the victim as truth, making the victim question their judgment and perception of reality. Examples of this are “jokes” made at the victim’s expense, telling the victim that something did not happen, or discrediting the victim. Here are some examples of how this translates into the workplace:
Negative narrative about the target’s performance or credibility, without facts, data, anecdotes, or proof other than opinion. Anything provided as proof is flimsy and subjective.
Ongoing negative gossip. This is a form of passive aggression as well.
For supposed transgressions, public shaming/smearing, rooted in exaggeration and/or fiction.
Jokes made at the victim’s expense. Condescension cloaked as humor is still abusive and toxic.
Professional segregation. Women are well aware of this one in the form of the glass ceiling. “Women just don’t work as hard as men” is a common and false narrative that many believe without question.
Outright bullying and intimidation. These are the easiest to spot, but the gaslighting comes when the victim is told that what they have experienced is not what they experienced.
What to Do About It
Try to evaluate the perceived abuse objectively. Is the person victimizing you an abuser or just an average jerk? It’s estimated that between 30-60% of managers are abusive; I would guess that the percentage of jerks is higher. Does your abuser lie? Deny things that they’ve said and done? Does the abuser have flimsy “evidence” to back up their claims? I had a client who confronted an abusive boss about her toxicity. The boss attempted to gaslight her. She told my client, who was a corporate director and had gone to a networking luncheon, that she hadn’t adhered to the unspoken rule of putting on her out-of-office auto-reply. When my client pointed out that she was getting emails on her phone, her manager reiterated that the out of office was a “best practice” to which she should adhere. This brings me to the next point: document every interaction with the abuser, memorialize every conversation, and copy others as appropriate. Minimize your interactions with the abuser. Escalate with caution. Gaslighting is notoriously difficult to prove, and the onus to do so will be entirely on you.
If your abuser is your manager, you should rethink your role at the company. Any company that allows such behavior to continue—and the abuser’s management is aware of it—is one that does not value its employees and is not committed to building a culture rooted in trust. If your gaslighter is a colleague, you have much more leverage. Be direct. Expect the gaslighter to be defensive about their abuse. Bullies are like cockroaches—they scatter and hide when the lights come on. Calling attention to a colleague’s bad behavior (in the most professional way) can be your best bet to end the abuse.