Your Job Description to Plain English Pocket Translation Guide

We put people first. We are a profit-first organization.

Is the scope of this project reasonable? How much money are we going to make on this?

We need motivated team players. We provide no training or guidance so you’ll need to ask your colleagues how to get things done.

The ideal candidate is a skilled multi-tasker. We expect this person to do anything and everything.

We have an entrepreneurial culture. We work all the time.

You need to have a good sense of humor. We are big on being inappropriate.

Fast-paced, high intensity environment. You will burn out within 3 months.

Must be highly organized and have great attention to detail. The manager for this role is super nitpicky and is going to put everything under a microscope.

Enormous growth opportunity. Low pay, empty promises.

Self-starter needed. We will give you no support. You will be on your own.

Dynamic leader. Spotlight hog.

We are looking to add a rock star to our team. Our comp plan is more like Band that Plays the VFW on Friday Nights.

Competitive salary. 10% below market rate.

Passionate. You should work hard, without complaining, for little money. It’s your passion, duh. 

Excellent communication skills. You can write at a 9th grade level so you can communicate with management.

We are like a family. This place is toxic AF.

Awesome maternity benefits. We have a federally mandated lactation room, which is an old closet filled with dust and equipment from the 90s. Don’t mess with that microfiche machine. That’s a relic.

No task is too small for you. Yeah, you’re gonna have to run the vacuum before you leave for the night, okay?

Unlimited earning potential. 100% commission.

Must be proficient in MS Office Suite. Boss does not know how to use any of these basic applications, so you better.

Bachelor’s degree or equivalent experience. Must hold at least 3 PhDs.

Proactive. Your manager will not give you any advice or guidance on anything.

Fast learner. We have no training or onboarding, but we expect you to have no learning curve either.

Think outside the box. We have exhausted our options on this. Maybe you can help.

Resilient. This hiring manager is toxic. She makes people cry. We need someone who can put up with her BS.

This is a hands-on role. Expect zero support from anyone in the organization. You’re on your own!

Catered lunch/unlimited snacks/foosball table. We expect you to spend 16+ hours per day in the office.

Evangelist. We want someone who brings their cult following of contacts to us.

Who’s In??!!