Ask Deb: What Do I Do About My Boss’s Habit of Blaming Me?
Hi Deb:
We have a new VP who came into our organization about 6 months ago. He is building out a large team, bringing in people from his network, and shaking things up. And that’s mostly a good thing. The bad thing is that since he joined, my previous boss, along with all but one person on my immediate team, left the company, and there has been no backfilling of these roles. Instead, he is hiring for different positions within the group. That means that I am resource-strapped, and I’m having a tough time executing, let alone working on anything strategic. Also, since my boss left, he is now my de facto manager. Let’s call him Nick for the purposes of this note.
A few months ago, I was negotiating with a vendor (one that he’d recommended!) who began doing preliminary work on the project in question because they had worked with Nick in the past. They took me at my word because I had Nick’s assurances that we would engage them. You know what happened; Nick decided not to move forward and put the onus of dealing with the vendor on me. I got to look like I had jerked this vendor around.
Two weeks ago, he told me not to move forward on another project because it was “not on the strategic roadmap” for this year, and I have other priorities. This project also involved an outside company, and their lead is not merely a connection but a personal friend of another executive. I canceled the project. Today, I got this email from Nick, and my head just about exploded:
Would you please ask X Company if they can get back on the schedule with us in a couple of weeks, preferably June 2 or 3? Then please arrange a prep session, all copied here. Thanks.
That’s it. No context, no explanation. He is the kind of guy that my grandfather would have said “talks out of both sides of his mouth.” I found out through my sources that he got his hand slapped for the decision to nix the project and that the vendor called her friend (our executive) and gave her an earful. I also found out that Nick told everyone that I “misunderstood” him when he told me not to proceed. I did not misunderstand anything. When I’ve tried to bring up these issues, he just talks and talks and talks without saying anything. What do you suggest I do about being constantly thrown under the bus here?
Lola
Hi Lola:
Nick is a jerk. I just wrote a LinkedIn post about how people don’t leave jobs; they leave managers. That’s how you solve this. You can try having conversations with Nick about this. You can try documenting all your conversations. It’s not going to help; he is not going to change. When he talks and talks and talks without coming up for air, he is trying to gaslight you into believing that your experience is not reality. The constant talking, talking over people, and going on and on is a manipulation tactic.
Your grandfather was very wise; people who talk out of both sides of their mouths are disingenuous, deceitful, and duplicitous. You are not the only one who is having this experience with him. And you’re not the only one who notices this about him. Laying blame on people who work for you without taking accountability looks terrible for one person—Nick. Eventually, this is going to catch up with him. But will that happen quickly enough for you? Only you can decide.
All my best,
Deb