A Hiring Company’s Lament

Hiring Company: We can’t find any qualified candidates for our open roles. Why doesn’t anyone apply to work at our company?

Candidates: Your application system requires us to create an account, record a one-way video, and enter all of the information that’s already on the resume.

Hiring Company: Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. It only takes a few minutes. If you really wanted to work here, you would do it.

Candidates: Meh. Other companies’ application processes are much easier to use. 

Hiring Company: We don’t believe you. 

Candidates: K.

Hiring Company: Even when HR sends candidates to our hiring managers, they aren’t the right candidates. We don’t know how to define who the right candidate is, but we know it when we see it. 

Candidates: Yeah, so, when we interviewed at your company, everyone we met had a different idea of what the role was. It was a tad suspicious. That’s why we withdrew our candidacy.

Hiring Company: But our company is awesome. You should want to work here anyway.

Candidates: Have you even looked at your Glassdoor reviews?

Hiring Company: Those are all lies.

Candidates: Sure, if that’s what you want to go with. 

Hiring Company: We just had a great candidate who refused to go through another two rounds of interviews with us. What’s up with that? 

Candidates: We already spent two months meeting nine different people. What more do you need to know about us? As the saying goes, fish or cut bait.

Hiring Company: What’s wrong with eleven interviews? We need consensus among our team members.

Candidates: That can’t be a serious question. 

Hiring Company: We have an incredible culture.

Candidates: Oh, for sure. All those stock photos of happy people and pictures of employees playing foosball have us totally convinced.

Candidates: You didn’t bring this up, but we loathe your assignments, projects, and presentations. 

Hiring Company: If we didn’t make you do that, how would we determine which candidate put on the best performance for us during our interview process? 

Candidates: Well, you could try having actual two-way conversations with us and basing your hiring decision on our skills, experience, and qualifications, rather than how well we perform during the interview.

Hiring Company: LOL.

Candidates: No, seriously.

Hiring Company: We want people to work in the office 100% of the time. We have snacks from Costco that you can purchase, and we also just got a new poster that says “Quality,” to inspire our team.

Candidates: Pass. Your competitors are hiring for fully remote roles.

Hiring Company: Our competitors aren’t super fantastic like we are.

Candidates: Again, go look at your Glassdoor reviews!

Hiring Company: We offer competitive salaries.

Candidates: Competitive with what, exactly? Why don’t you just tell us what you have budgeted for the job?

Hiring Company: Always with the money! It’s as if that’s the main reason you want to work!

Candidates: Yeah, that’s pretty much the idea. 

Hiring Company: The problem is obviously with the candidates. 

Candidates: Okay, if that’s what you want to think. Gotta go; we’re starting our new gig with your competitor tomorrow.