Ask Deb: My Job Was My Entire Personality. Now What?

Dear Deb:

I was laid off from my executive position last June and have been actively networking, consulting, and searching for a full-time role. The problem is that when people ask me what I do, I feel like I no longer have a good response. I used to say that I was a vice president for a major financial services company, where I led product and platform development for our investment management line of business. I admit that I am now embarrassed when I’m asked about what I do or when I meet someone new. I have nothing to say anymore. 

Thanks,

David

Hi David:

Psychologists use the term “enmeshment” to describe a situation where the boundaries between people become blurred, and individual identities lose importance. Enmeshment prevents the development of a stable, independent sense of self. It sounds like you became enmeshed not with another person but with your career and, more specifically, your job. 

You are not alone. Gallup’s polling indicates that more than half of Americans get a sense of identity from their jobs, with consistent results since 1989. While a person’s self-thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs are informed by work experience, work is merely a piece of who you are. People have always allowed their jobs to be their identities. Just look at the people with surnames like Baker, Smith, Miller, Cook, and so on. These names date back to the Middle Ages when a person’s job was such a defining characteristic it became their literal identity. While our jobs no longer dictate our names, they can become how we self-identify and how others identify us. 

However, people who let their jobs consume their identities may do so at their own expense. Too many people who work hard strive for success and self-objectify as excellent work machines and tools of performance. At its most benign, such a worldview makes these people quite dull. We all know someone who seems unable to talk about anything other than their job. They go on in great detail about work, colleagues, challenges, and projects. This is not conversation. It’s a soliloquy in which no one else at the family gathering is interested. At its worst, this can limit relationships, personal growth, and self-awareness. 

I suggest you do this. Come up with a 60-90 second response to the question, “How do you describe yourself,” without talking about your job or career. This is no different than practicing your answer to the standard interview question “Tell me about yourself.” This is probably going to be difficult for you at first. But think of everything you are that is unrelated to your job or profession. What are your core values? Are you a father? Son? Husband? Brother? Do you enjoy gardening, fly fishing, reading, or rock climbing? Why? What is it about those activities that excite you? What gives you the most joy in life, and why? 

Take a step back and reevaluate. You are more than your job. You are more than your profession. You are a whole human being with a catalog of experiences that make you unique. Your humanity is not dependent upon what you do to earn a living.

All my best,

Deb