What’s in a name? Pretty much everything.

Names have significance. They have power. They are an incredibly important part of one’s identity; they have personal, cultural, and historical connections. They give us a sense of who we are, and they identify us to others. Sharing our name with someone creates an immediate human connection. Calling someone’s name is one of the best ways to get their attention. And using a person’s preferred name shows empathy and courtesy. 

Being respectful of someone’s name is a baseline courtesy, which is why I was both shocked and disgusted when I saw this video last week. If you’ve not seen the reports on this, I encourage you to watch the whole video. The abridged version of events is that a woman was on a Zoom meeting with members of her city’s zoning commission. The commissioner addressed her as “Mrs. Rosario.” She corrected him, saying that it was “Dr. Rosario.” His response was to continue referring to her as “Mrs.,” despite her asking him very politely to use “Dr.” Things reached a critical head when he informed her that “it doesn’t matter anyway.” Rightly offended, she explained to him that it mattered to her and again requested that he address her as “Dr.” I don’t know if his resistance to doing something as simple as calling her “Dr. Rosario” was rooted in racism, sexism, or both, but what I do know is that it was extremely disrespectful and petty. (He was subsequently removed from his position.) All he had to do was apologize when she initially corrected him and use her name correctly; the entire thing would have been averted. But it wasn’t important to him, and he couldn’t understand, or more likely did not care, why it was important to her. 

Is it important because she is proud of the level of education she has achieved? Because it connotes that she is an academic? Was she irritated that it was automatically assumed that she was a Mrs., not even a Ms.? It doesn’t matter. The reasons why it is important to her are not relevant—it matters to her. There is no further explanation needed. 

When people cannot be bothered to use someone’s correct name, it makes the other person feel devalued and “less than.” Similarly, when someone won’t pronounce a name correctly or claims that it’s “too hard,” the person can be left feeling disregarded. Consider what actress Uzo Adubo’s mother told her when she wanted to go by Zoe: If people can say Tchaikovsky, Michelangelo, and Dostoyevsky’s names properly, they can do the same with your name. 

Are you someone who has trouble remembering people’s names? That can be perceived as laziness. When someone introduces themselves, repeat their name back. “Great to meet you, Mike.” Use their name in conversations with them; always use the name they have given you. “You go by Mike, not Michael, correct?” If you are unsure how to pronounce a name, simply ask. Most people will be glad to tell you how to say it. Whatever you do, don’t do what the zoning commissioner did. Being respectful, kind, and gracious will ALWAYS serve you well.