If Job Interviews Were Honest

Interviewer: Thanks for applying for the role. Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I’m a mid-career manager, looking for a low-stress environment where I can phone it in and do as little as possible for the foreseeable future. My ultimate goal is to have a role with limited responsibility, so that I can stay off the radar. 

Interviewer: That’s how I spend my days—being minimally productive while looking busy and pretending to be a Very Important Person. You can totally do that here. 

Candidate: Can you tell me about the overall culture here? (I heard that you’re supposed to ask that.)

Interviewer: Well, we say we value innovation, but we really don’t. We want to continue doing things the same way as we’ve always done it. If someone has a new idea, we move to quash it immediately. Scary. By the way, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re a woman and you seem pretty smart. That’s gonna be a problem. Ron, the guy who runs the department, is a huge misogynist know-it-all.

Candidate: That’s not a problem. Ron sounds like a lot of other guys I’ve worked with. You just need to know how to manage them.

Interviewer: Fair point. How do you manage insufferable people in the workplace? 

Candidate: I treat them with outright hostility.

Interviewer: That must feel great!

Candidate: It does. Can you tell me what the salary is for this role?

Interviewer: Think of a number that you think is fair and market rate, given the responsibilities of the role and your background and credentials. Now bring that number down by at least 25%. That’s the range we’re talking about. It’s how we roll here. 

Candidate: So, this company isn’t really much different than the others? 

Interviewer: Pretty much. How do you deal with meetings? Because meetings would pretty much dominate your day. Not productive ones, either.

Candidate: I like to turn my camera off and mute myself while I do something else, like watching a YouTube video on how candy corn is made, or conducting research on my next vacation. 

Interviewer: Okay, that’s good. Same here. Right now, I’m thinking about my grocery list. Do you have any additional questions for me?

Candidate: Yeah, do you require a drug test?

Interviewer: No.

Candidate: Cool. What are the next steps?

Interviewer: We plan to do nothing for at least a month. At that point, we will probably start all over again because we will decide that no one we met meets our standards. Chances of hearing back from us are low. If you email me to follow up, I will ignore you. But thanks for your time.

Candidate: Sounds good. I will be sure to leave the company a scathing review on Glassdoor. Take care!