Ask Deb: How Do I Learn to Embrace Conflict?

Dear Deb:

Like many of us, I prefer to avoid conflict rather than face it head-on. While I know that conflict is a necessary and unavoidable part of the human experience and that avoiding it can be detrimental, I am just not sure how to approach and manage it. My job entails managing others, dealing with clients, and negotiating with vendors, and I know I need to come up with a way to manage conflict rather than avoid it, but I am stuck. Please help!

Andrew

Hi Andrew:

Thanks for writing. A strategy of conflict avoidance will not serve you, your employees, your clients, or your partners well. If you actively avoid confrontation, you must reassess and reframe your thinking. Rather than seeing conflict or disagreement as an assault on your values, consider it an opportunity to put your values into practice. 

Be direct and open. Share the broader business context for your feedback, then get into specifics. Although you want to be sure you cover the facts, you don’t want to come off as an emotionless robot. Acknowledge the other people involved and that you keep any discussions you have from turning into personal attacks. Sometimes tough conversations inevitably lead to hurt feelings, disagreement, and defensiveness. Prepare for these possible scenarios and practice your responses. 

Stay calm, and listen to understand. Try not to let emotions or personal feelings get in the way of your goal of diffusing the conflict. Look at the whole picture. Most disputes eventually resolve, so it is helpful to keep this in mind when conflict inevitably happens. Stop worrying about being liked and focus on being respected. People respect leaders who get things done and take action, not those who run away from confrontation. Attack the problem, not the person. No one responds positively to personal attacks. Conflicts tend to become emotionally fraught when someone chooses not to focus on the issue at hand but rather to question another person’s competency, autonomy, or integrity. Focus on the action or consequences, not on the person. 

It takes time to change behavior, but following these suggestions can help you stop fearing conflict and begin seeing it as an inherent part of dealing with others. Your willingness to appropriately address conflict sets the stage for your success! 

All my best,

Deb